June 30, 2010

You’ve undoubtedly heard by now that CNN host Larry King, who turns 106 years-old next Thursday, has announced he will be retiring from his mummified interview program later this year. Since King hasn’t asked an interesting question or voiced an unpopular opinion since shortly before the dissolution of his first marriage during the Truman administration, CNN is definitely up against it when it comes to replacing the broadcasting titan.

A variety of names have already been bandied about in the press, but, after several minutes of deep consideration, I think I’ve landed on the perfect reporter to take King's place.

Meet the talking cockroach typewriter from “Naked Lunch,” who, as you can see, has a poorly lit head shot.

Why, you may be asking, would I select a talking cockroach typewriter to replace King, instead of, say, Rosie O’Donnell or Dick Clark (oh, I forgot) or Danny Bonaduce? Well, you don’t want to mess with the kind of success Larry has had, so here’s the ways in which I feel the cockroach is basically Larry King Mach II, and thus will perfectly suit CNN's audience:

* Cockroaches can survive anything. No other show could possibly sink one hosted by a talking cockroach. And if it turns out it’s been married 9 or 10 times and has been having an affair with its current wife’s sister, so what? It’s a cockroach! It's not like it's a person.

* The cockroach is ready and willing to contradict CNN.com film critics with uninformed glowing statements about crappy movies, and will get its blurb on movie posters even though it obviously has no fucking clue what it’s talking about.

* The cockroach is its own typewriter, so it can easily update its CNN blog, or maybe even write a column for “USA Today” full of hot insights like, “That Kate Gosselin sure is one good-looking woman” or “For my money, there’s never been a sturdier car than a Buick Riviera.”

* The cockroach is only slightly less appealing in tight close-ups than King has been for the past 25 years.

* The cockroach talks out of its ass, just like King.

I’ll tell you what, though. Mr. Roach better watch what he's saying to the media. King hasn’t even vacated the throne yet, and there's already a shocking “Access Hollywood” interview airing tonight in which the roach claims he's stepping in! Here's a snippet:

Actually, his voice is a lot like Larry’s, too, which is good. No need to scare ‘em in Iowa.

Paul Tatara