1. I am fascinated by words, but not so much by sentences.

2. I feel the basis of any stable relationship is my ability to strike first.

3. I don’t mind if someone I distrust is made to feel like he or she is drowning.

4. When my daughters are drunk I often feel jealous.

5. Just because I am the only person in the room and the mirror suddenly breaks, that doesn’t mean I broke the mirror.

6. If I had my life to live over again I would not eat pretzels.

7. Sometimes when I talk to Jesus, he tells me to do stupid stuff. But I still do it.

8. I believe empirical evidence is too often misleading.

9. When confronted by a brick wall, I will slam into it again and again until my head looks like a mass of bloody pulp. This, I think, is my key strength as a person.

10. I feel that people who die because of me are heroes. Unless they’re not American, then they’re just dead.

11. I have always believed that if you live near a levee, don’t have any money, and are too old to swim, you get what you deserve.

12. I enjoy throwing out the first pitch at baseball games because there’s no umpire to get all judgmental.

13. When Dick Cheney says something nice about me I blush like a schoolgirl. But he usually just makes that animal noise.

14. I’m always amazed what Americans will say on the telephone when they don’t know you’re listening.

15. I like to make up funny nicknames for people so I’ll look more like a regular guy and less like one of them arrogant douche bags.

16. Laura is both the love of my life and my best friend, now that everybody else has pretty much backed off.

17. On those occasions when I pull my head out of my ass it takes a while for my eyes to adjust to the light.

18. The next time I see the Pope I plan to trade infallibility stories with him.

19. Over time, I have come to dislike celebratory banners.

20. I have long felt that the best co-workers are those who agree with every fucking thing you say.

21. My favorite food is Texas-style barbecue ribs cooked by an old Negro.

22. It seems pretty obvious to me that if man really evolved from monkeys, God would have made Adam and Steve, not Adam and Eve. Or something like that. I don’t remember the actual jingle.

23. I’m sorry I never got to thank Ken Lay for dying.

24. Sometimes I wish I knew if I was ever in the military.

25. I will badly miss my “veto erections.”

Paul Tatara